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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
| Jokes |
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Submit your jokes here for sending off to venue for a link on their newsletter:)
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"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
Last edited by kat on Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
Tue Jul 05, 2005 7:59 pm |
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Deako
Time Lord
Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Posts: 1010
Location: Withernsea, England |
Classic:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!
Pure Deakin Genius:
That’s the worst plan I've heard since Adolph Hitler woke up and said "I know lets invade Russia"!
"Woops! I accidentally fell off that ledge and stabbed your head."
"Wow, a flying pig! Wait, no. It just has a rocket up it's a**"
Other sources:
I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!
We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.
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Three English teams in the CL Semi-Finals!
Liverpool to beat Chelsea then AC Milan just like in 05.
Why don't Arsenal play in the French League? |
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Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:05 pm |
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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
sorry, i meant post your good jokes...
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"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
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Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:07 pm |
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Sutekh The Destroyer
Time Lord
Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Posts: 272
Location: Pyramid Of Mars |
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George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
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Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
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"These Shoes They Fit Perfectly!" 8th Dr Paul McGann - Anybody Want A Jelly Baby ? |
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Sat Jul 09, 2005 9:01 am |
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Zhord
Site Admin
Joined: 22 May 2005
Posts: 641
Location: Didsbury, Manchester |
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'
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A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
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A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say! If you farted just touching it, you're gonna sh*t when you hear the price."
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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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"Correctamundo! A word I have never said before and hopefully never will again" The Doctor in 'School Reunion'
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Sat Jul 09, 2005 11:17 pm |
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Zhord
Site Admin
Joined: 22 May 2005
Posts: 641
Location: Didsbury, Manchester |
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
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Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"
The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"Correctamundo! A word I have never said before and hopefully never will again" The Doctor in 'School Reunion'
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Sat Jul 09, 2005 11:22 pm |
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Berethor
Doctor's Companion
Joined: 25 Jun 2005
Posts: 123
Location: Fraserburgh(Scotland) |
David Beckham was up late trying to do a jigsaw puzzle. It was a picture of a bird and the sun. He couldnt get the pieces to fit together so he shouted victoria to come and try. When she came into the kitchen she said, "right, put the cornflakes away and well get to work on the puzzle
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Mon Jul 11, 2005 6:13 am |
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sciscens
Dalek
Joined: 21 Jun 2005
Posts: 78
Location: Netherlands |
Just a short while ago, as you all know, Michael Jackson got cleared from all charges. Man was he relieved. He immediately threw a party and at the party thhey released white doves. Well actually they weren't doves. They were crows suffering from a rare skin desease.
Jackson also remarked that he was planning to sell his Ranch Neverland. "Well it's thirteen years old now and I feel that's a bit over age."
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"I'll be off then. Unless... I don't know... you could come with me..."
avatar image taken form the video of KLF (the Timelords) - Doctor in the T.A.R.D.I.S. (Doctor Who) |
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Thu Jul 14, 2005 5:50 pm |
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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
this is allegedly the funniest joke in the world...
or is it just a tribute...  sorry, on with the joke
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'my friend is dead! what can i do?' The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'
_________________
"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
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Fri Jul 15, 2005 1:35 am |
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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
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Bloke walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the
waitress comes over and asks for their order. He says, "I'll have a
hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £6.40 please." The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls
out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again. He says, "I'll have a
hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again he reaches into his pocket afterwards and pays with exact
change.
This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be £12.62."
Once again the bloke pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," he says, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," he says.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
"Oh that. Well, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
_________________
"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
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Fri Jul 15, 2005 2:19 am |
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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
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A man is picking some apples from the fruit counter at the supermarket
when a young and attractive woman beside him turns, smiles and says
hello.
He can't remember ever having seen her before, but smiles and nods
politely. "Er, hello," he says.
The woman can see he doesn't recognise her, and apologises. "I'm
sorry," she says. "I mistook you for someone else. When I saw you there I
assumed you were the father of one of my children."
She pushes her trolley off and resumes shopping.
The man is confused and stunned. The woman looks smart, she's
well-spoken, and yet she can't keep track of the fathers of all her children.
What is the world coming to?
But maybe ...
He then starts to wonder if maybe he has met her before. Back years ago
when he was at university they all had some pretty wild times. He'd
sown a lot of wild oats, and it was perfectly possible that he had
fathered some children without knowing about it.
Now he panicked, and ran out of the supermarket and caughgt up with the
woman as she was loading her shopping into her car.
"I realised we might have met years ago," he says. "Are you the girl I
met at a party in college. We got really drunk and had sex on the floor
while everyone was watching cheering us on?"
"Er no," she says. "I'm your son's primary school teacher."
_________________
"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
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Fri Jul 15, 2005 2:26 am |
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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
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This thread is now just jokes and nothing else, jokes that were posted in another thread follow:
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I got this from the book of rude and politicaly incorrect jokes which my old teacher has-
Two gays go to a fairground and decide to go on the tea cup ride. One of them goes on why the other watches. After going round three times the mans tea cup comes flying of and lands at the other mans feet. The man says "Are you hurt?!" and the injured man says "of course i am! You didnt even wave once!"
Lol, don't know if you'll find it funny...
Jelly Baby goes 2 the Dr & says "Dr i've got aids" Dr replys "U cant have aids ur a jelly Baby" Jelly Baby says "yes but Dr i've been sleepin wiv ALLSORTS!
A teacher ask"wot part of the body goes to heaven first?"A child replies"feet- coz every nite i c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!
I have a practical joke:-
There is a 5 story block of University flats. 1 flat on each floor, 2 room-mates in each flat.
Sam and Connor live on the top floor. One night Sam takes Connor out a gets him aboloutely stummbling drunk.
Meanwhile, the other 8 students in the block of flats move everything from the top floor (Sam's and Connor's) to the ground floor. -- And visa-versa...
Anyways, when Sam gets Connor home he takes him up and down the elevator a couple times to confuse him. Finally they get to 'their' room. Sam and Connor go to bed.
The next morning, Connor gets up with a terrible hang-over and makes some coffee.
Sam bursts into the room shouting: "I can't take the pressure anymore, I've had it!".
He marches over to the window and jumps out!
Connor is terrified at his friend's suicide and runs over to the window and looks out.
Their he sees Sam lying on his back screaming with laughter at the expression on Connor's face.
Just imagine that!
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there, i'm fairly pleased with myself
_________________
"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
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Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:47 pm |
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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
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and here is the venue newsletter with our joke in it, well done to the winning joke submitter 
Who needs 24-hour drinking when you've got Venue, a round-the-clock
binge of magazine-shaped excitement, which won't get you into fights or
make you feel sick? (Not literally anyway.) This week's has:
LOVELY LOCALS - Trendy town centre bars, gastropubs and drinking at
home are all threatening your traditional local boozer, but they're not
going down without a fight. Meet some people who've saved their
neighbourhood pubs and read our totally biased guide to the finest proper-job
locals in town.
PHILIP PULLMAN - He of 'His Dark Materials' fame answers questions like
"Is this just 'Harry Potter' for adults?" while saying not very nice
things about a certain CS Lewis.
CIVIL PARTNERSHIPS - A couple from Bristol are in the race to be the
first in England to enter into a "gay marriage".
PLUS ... Win Enchanted Forest family tickets ... Philip Pullman
interview ... Judge Jules ... Rufus Wainwright ... Books and DVDs of the year
... Totterdown Art Trail and loads more, including your complete ten
day what's on guide.
Whether you're going out or staying in, Venue has it all. Don't miss
out - place a regular order with your newsagent now or we'll tell
everyone there's 24-hour drinking round your house.
* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.49 a month!
Jokes, then ...
Little Girl: "Mummy, Mummy, do they have Christmas decorations in
Vietnam?"
Mummy: "Not usually, but this year they will be hanging Glitter"
(Thanks to several people for that. One or two of you might not have
heard it.)
Q. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
of stairs.
(Thanks Lizzi)
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her
dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get
some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see
anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 pm sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom
and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 pm and upon entering the house,
asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come round to the house this
afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did come in for a
few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
he give you £500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, said, "Good, I was hoping he
did. He came to my office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He
promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay
me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
(Thanks Nick)
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do
you want a room with or without a view?"
(Thanks Sweetland1st)
The year is 1943. A middle-aged woman is listening to her radio about
what is happening in the war. While she listens, she is interrupted by a
knock at the door. She is terrified to find a General at the door and
fears for her Husband, who is in Eastern France.
General: Your husband has been promoted to head of his platoon.
Wife: Oh, thank goodness, I thought you were going to tell me he had
died!
General: Unfortunately, 2 days ago, he led his men behind enemy lines
at night. It was very dark and he and his men came under attack by
snipers.
Wife: Oh no!
General: He was hit in the heart.
Wife: My poor, poor husband!
General: Luckily we managed to get a Red Cross ambulance to him. He was
alive.
Wife: Phew... I thought I had lost him...
General: Shortly after crossing back into French-held land, the
ambulance crashed and killed all 4 people on board--
Wife: NOO!!! I can't be!
General: --Except your husband.
Wife: Oh, thank the Lord!
General: As he stumbled back towards the medic camp, he stood on a 32lb
landmine.
Wife: Why him. Why my husband!?!
General: Luckily, he escaped, while only losing one leg!
Wife: Well at least he isn't dead!
General: Now here is the bad news: He is dead. Just as he was regaining
consciousness, he was run over by a tank...
Wife: WHY GOD, WHY!?!?!
General: Luckily, that wasn't him. -- Only some guy he hired to be him.
Wife: What?... Where is he then?
General: In Bristol living with another woman called Margery!
Wife: I'LL KILL HIM FOR THAT!!!
General: No need. -- He's been shot for desertion!
(Thanks to Kat for that sponsored joke, brought to you by the users of
www.doctorwho.myfreeforum.org a forum for Doctor Who fans. They want
some new members and she's sent us loads of jokes we'd not heard before.
That's www.doctorwho.myfreeforum.org - join it now! )
A woman was making fried eggs for her husband’s breakfast.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOSH! You're cooking
too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my GOSH! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
(Thanks Allie. You win this week's star prize - a three DVD set of
Cliff Richard live in concert. Mail us an address if you want it.)
Please send jokes. Jokes win free stuff which you might want or which
might make an unconvincing Christmas present for someone you don't like.
Next week's prize is a set of four quiz DVDs - you sit the family down
and play them on the telly - there's Gary Lineker's Football Challenge,
The Ultimate Pop Quiz, a Soap Quiz and the Great British Pub Quiz. Just
the thing for a rainy Boxing Day, though they’re review copies in
unsexy packaging, so no-one will believe you’ve paid money for them. OR you
can send us a joke on behalf of your club, newsgroup or 24-hour
formation drinking team and we'll tell all our spamvictims the URL of your
website. Fantastic!
Links ...
I'd rather starve than work for this firm.
http://www.brandnewtelly.com/mindshare/
Let them sing it for you ...
http://www.sr.se/P1/src/sing/index.htm?key=NUJ6VS3I#
Amazing computery art
http://www.complexification.net/
Make your own Aluminium Foil Deflector Beanie (to give it its proper
name).
http://zapatopi.net/afdb/
What happens when you get Lord of the Rings, gayness and Photoshop all
mixed up. Slightly un-worksafe.
http://www.squidge.org/~praxisters/lotrelves.html
Couple of guys impersonate Backstreet Boys. The one on the left is
either the life and soul of every party or certifiably insane.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648
Kinda the opposite of what the URL suggests. Not altogether worksafe.
http://sportsdignity.com/
Just the thing for the Modern Parents
http://www.amamantafamily.com/
And don't forget Bristol's very own online advent calendar
http://www.electricdecember.org
You have been sent this email either because you asked to be added to
the mailing list, or because you opted into the mailing list when taking
out a free advert on the Venue website or because you gave us your
address for mailings at an event, such as a university freshers' fair. See
below for how to unsubscribe.
Cheers then.
..................................
::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
_________________
"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
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Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:52 pm |
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kat
Time Lord
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Posts: 476
Location: Somewhere not here |
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new jokes from venue, thought i'd get this thread going again, submit your jokes, not for a mention in venue, this time purely for our own enjoyment
A man goes up to the counter in a Jewish hardware shop. "I would like
some black shoelaces please."
"Sorry, we don't sell them, we only sell salt."
The man looks around. "Oy oy oy, hundreds of sacks of salt. I bet you
sell a lot of salt...' he muses to the shopkeeper.
"Me? No...I don't sell any," says the man sadly, "but the guy that I
buy it from ... Boy, can he sell salt!"
(This sponsored joke comes to you from http://www.HarmonicaWorld.com)
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Ann Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You
cannot attend mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?!"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
(Thanks Pam)
Q. What do John Prescott and an IKEA flatpack have in common?
A. A few screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet collapses...
I watched that Harry Potter the other day … bit far fetched isn't it?
I mean, a ginger kid with TWO friends?!
(Thanks to Ian for those)
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible
screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into
their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads
for their halos."
She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to
Hell."
St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
(Thanks Toni)
So, this bloke dies and goes to hell and Satan is giving him the grand
tour and asks him what he'd like to do for eternity. The bloke looks
stunned, being in the realm of the eternally damned he didn't expect a
choice. Beelzebub shows him the first option fitting his punishment and
he sees a room were people push huge rocks up a hill for 24 hours a day
and he declines stating that it "seems like a lot of hard work".
The second room the dark lord shows him has people pegged out on the
floor being whipped, for 24 hours a day. Again this chap declines, saying
that "it looks quite painful".
In the third room he sees two guys sitting down on chairs, surrounded
by two foot of human waste, with a fag and a brew. "This isn't so bad he
says".
Satan accepts and he is given a chair, some fags and a brew. Settling
into his eternal punishment he realizes he's got away lightly when he
thinks of the other two rooms when Satan opens the door and says: "Right
lads! Break's over, back on you heads!"
(This comes to you courtesy of http://www.smallaxe.org.uk and
http://www.gazebomusic.net)
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Mayfair," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has
beautiful jewels and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
(Thanks Jack)
Elsewhere on Brokeback Mountain, a successful rancher died and left
everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but couldn't run the place single-handed, so
she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two
cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked side by side,
and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You done a
real good job cowboy, the ranch looks just fine. You should go into town
tonight and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went off into town.
One o'clock came, however, and he hadn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand. He finally returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly beckoned him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my stockings."
He removed them gently and placed each one neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra-zeer."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to
the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly eased them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said...
"If ya ever wear my clothes into town again cowboy, you're fired."
_________________
"look, i'm busy resonating concrete"
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Thu May 18, 2006 11:20 am |
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Deako
Time Lord
Joined: 22 Jun 2005
Posts: 1010
Location: Withernsea, England |
lol, very funny lot!
For anyone who watches Deadringers on Monday nights (Beeb2, 9pm), you'll know this one already:-
"All of England is hanging on the edge of it's seats, waiting to find out if Wayne Rooney will be able to participate in the World Cup.
Fortunately, Doctors have announced that over the weekend he was able to ride a bike by himself.
By the end of the week, Doctors are hoping he can count to Ten and write his own name!"
_________________
Three English teams in the CL Semi-Finals!
Liverpool to beat Chelsea then AC Milan just like in 05.
Why don't Arsenal play in the French League? |
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Thu May 18, 2006 3:11 pm |
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